I grew up in a broken home. At 5, my parents divorced after 12 years of marriage. I am the baby you see. That's what everyone calls me. The baby. The last one. I don't know if its because I'm the youngest, or because I was the last child my mother could have. She had 3 live births, and 2 stillborns. I was the only one that she didn't lay in the hospital for 6 months with. She went on with normal life figuring I wouldn't make it anyway. Some people would think that was a morbid way of talking about me, but I always thought that it meant I was meant to be. Put here for a purpose. I believe there are no coincidences. EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Good or bad. I always try and find lessons in the events that happen in my life. It's hard, and sometimes it takes a while, but for me it helps. But.........
I can not have children. Doesn't really matter how or why, it won't change that fact. I love kids. I'm fascinated with them. I love to watch them learn new things, learn to talk, learn to laugh, learn to live. To me, its one of the most beautiful things to watch. As a teen, I dreamed of having lots of babies, as a young adult, I dreamed of having 2 or 4, (no odds so no middle child), and as I hit my 30's, I dreamed of not crying every-time I saw a pregnant woman. I'm okay with it now. Adoption was not for us. Besides, he already had a child......
I love her, I have known her her whole life. But, I am not her parent. Not A parent. I always feel like I'm walking a tight-rope. I want to teach her, nourish her with love, but scared that I'm holding on too tight. Will she think I'm smothering her? Will she think that I'm trying to be..... her mother? Because, really all I am is a step-mother. I have no rights to her, can not make any major decisions about her, she doesn't even have my name....
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